|The appearance of a beautiful bee life, when it is just part of his day's work.|
It made me sad, but her story was not unfamiliar to me. My "Pollyanna Perfectionism" was stripped away and there I was, feeling like she was telling my story, as her realities matched some of my own. I spent years in therapy to talk about the love/hate relationship I had with my mother. It did a lot to help me, as later I took on her care in the last years of her life. With God's grace, I was able to give to my mother what she had a hard time giving to me, unconditional love. I loved her, despite her NOT being a perfect mother. In fact when I was little I fantasized that I had a good and bad mother and when the bad one was in her glory, I knew that my good one was tied up in a closet, eager to be released to care for me. Talk about how my fantasies sustained me! My bad mother died with my good mother and until I read this honest recounting of someone's abusive mother, I quite forgot about my dual-sided mother.
|Moving on to another flower.|
Pain resurfaces when the Grief Gate is opened. It is OK to feel sadness from the past, however unpleasant it might be. It is good to be in touch with all of me and not just the memories that are only happy ones. I have much tucked away I realized: pains of being misunderstood, and unaccepted; pains over losing my health and continuing to have ongoing health and disability issues; pain over experiencing a complicated career environment, dealing with employers that weren't fair and down -right abusive; pains with my personal insecurities that made me seek paychecks over being happy; pains from losses of friends and loved ones, and cherished pets.
|Sometimes upside down.|
|And yet onto another flower. He works very hard!|
Many of my readers know Red, through Jon Katz's Bedlam Farm blog and know that his wonderful healthy sheep-herding dog has suddenly become very sick with Lyme Disease and its co-infections! It does seem that wherever I turn these days there is a war waged between life and death. Being in grief myself over the sudden loss of my cat companion, has over-sensitized me to what is happening to others. My rose-colored glasses have fallen off and I realize how much I am fighting back a flood of memories from my life that hasn't always been so great, or worse, has been down right awful! I could simply push it out of my mind but truly it is a good thing to see what hasn't fully healed while my vision is so clear! I don't want to shut the door but rather allow myself to look at the underlying sadness that doesn't often surface as it should. I want to see and feel the pains I thought I had "dealt with", when in fact they are likely robbing me of energy unconsciously suppressing them.
|And still another blossom, all day long working hard!|
(Credit goes to my husband, Tom McMillen for the beautiful bee photos! Thanks Tom!)