Once I even stuck a piece of chewed gum wrapped in waxed paper into my diary. It had been given to me by one of my heart throbs. Perhaps I was hoping that our superficial friendship would be forever cemented in the recesses of my diary, marking the beginning of a wonderful and forever romance. Many of my early diaries were so embarrassingly frivolous that I threw them out, not knowing that teenage diaries are records of such drivel. Now of course I cannot remember the name of this gum-giving beau, and even if I still had this diary to refer to, I would likely scratch my head and not be able to recall his face. It would be like reading about someone else’s life and not my own.
I laid in bed last night re-examining what I said and what she said and how it all broke down. I felt truly sad about the loss of this "friend" and wondered how I had so offended her. I have been told that my over transparency and compulsion to be frank and honest might well be a symptom of my illness that truly affects my brain. My daughter, has more than once let me know that she often sees that I don't have a proper filter when it comes to my tongue.
This friend has my same condition and we have often laughed about this common tendency. However, as I remembered the fateful conversation from which there seemed to be no recovery, I really had no malicious intent to offend her. I know that my friend is not comfortable with political talk, and my comments regarding my husband's job loss were simply open statements about the economic times that we are living in and that I truly feel that companies of today are burdened by some of the added regulations, creating more lay-offs. I watch the news, likely too often, and it is no secret that unemployment is high and we are now experiencing it first hand.
My friend does not share my political beliefs, though in that conversation we had little agreement on other issues as well, and she grew more and more upset. I wasn't feeling the support that my friend had openly offered and I decided I had accidentally pushed a button. She was recalling her family's own decline by such a lay-off and was suggesting that we would also feel this decline. I don't like to borrow trouble and this certainly wasn't helping me stay positive about our current challenges. The truth was, her fears were my own, but I was actively choosing to live in faith and not fear and so I let her know. I abruptly ended the conversation, apologizing about having to take a call from my daughter. I was relieved to do just that.
I don't think that friendship should dissolve by mere differences of opinions though I have learned over the years that some relationships will go by the wayside for reasons that I don't totally understand. I have tried to cultivate sensitivity and tact but sometimes it seems, to no avail. My true self speaks loud and clear, especially about values I hold most dear and what comes out is sometimes not acceptable to another. I don't really regret being who and what I am, though it pains me to think that I have offended someone.
Since copying the poems below into my special notebook years ago, I received a forward with the following saying, “There comes a point in our life when you realize: Who matters, Who never did, Who won’t anymore…And who always will. So don’t worry about the people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.” “ Amen” I say. Sometimes God assists me in cleaning out my interior house and likely it is a good thing, though I still find it a painful process!
Invictus by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.
Solitude by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it’s mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice, and men will seek you’
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure.
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many’
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline our nectared wine.
But alone, you must drink life’s gall.
Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live.
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.